The Something Something Film Review

Some films have that special something, and some films seem like they stepped in something. Allow me to help you know the difference, and maybe find you something good to watch.

The Dark Tower (2017)

darktower2What a sad result. What a weak handshake. What a waste.

With eight amazing novels and about thirty issues of prequel graphic novels to use as source material, this is what we get.

A hurried mess; jumbled and without dimension or weight.

This was some kind of reverse alchemy, turning gold into lead. Taking an EPIC, BRILLIANT, GRITTY, HEART-BREAKING horror-meta-fantasy-western tale with dozens of characters and reducing it to a 95 minute anecdote about that time some kid was born special so he went on an adventure and saved the world with the help of a cowboy.

Anyone watching this film with even passing knowledge of the books will openly weep for what could have been. Apt literary quote: “They have forgotten the face of their father.” Stephen King deserves better. We deserve better.

If, however, you did NOT read the books, but want to watch the film: GO FOR IT!

Yeahhhh, it’s not that bad. Really. There’s some action and some adventure, and Idris Elba is as always a bad-ass, and Matthew McConaughey is as always creepy-cool, and everything gets settled in just over an hour and a half. What fun!

Who needs conflict? Who needs texture? Who cares about teasing the mystery? What the hell is subtext, anyways? Why NOT gloss over the motivations of the Roland character? The kid is the real focus. Yeah! Let’s see more of his home-life. Aww, nobody believes him, so sad.

Two words: squandered potential.

Two more: tepid bathwater.


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